I'm so fucking centered right now
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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