I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
