It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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