i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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