my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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