I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
