chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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