sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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