i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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