I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
