I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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