Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
