if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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