i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
