You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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