It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
