Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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