This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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