Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
