If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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