We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
