i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
