the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
