My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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