Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
