i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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