literally had 100 drinks last night.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
