can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
