what if every blade of grass was a penis?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
