Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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