Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
