That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
they're like a gay fantastic four
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
