Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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