I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Did we literally take a cab across the street
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
