you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
