Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
