he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
