is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
