Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
