I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
