**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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