Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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