i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I need a burrito and a hug.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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