Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
