They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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