Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
