She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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