You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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