oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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