Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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