Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I forget how to act sober
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
