Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
